Perky Forever

Keira Knightly. Audrey Hepburn. Mena Suvari. Kate Moss. Milla Jovovich. Somehow, in the western world these women have managed to swim through the sea of silicone and skyrocket to stardom with “small” breasts. How did Hollywood ever accept them? How could they possibly make an impression on a director, or a lover?

Perhaps it’s a matter of adjectives. Perhaps you say small breasts, and the ignorant say “non-breasts.” (Ironically these are always the same guys who never get laid and are constantly made fun of in the group…coincidence?)

But to others, those who have more to contribute than cleavage to a conversation (and those smart enough to appreciate that) considerate it perky, playful…dare I say, sexy, even?

Perhaps a woman is worth more than her cup size. Sure, a ji-gun-do set of tits is “tit”-ilating. The female breasts have always been objects of desire to men and lesbians. But that’s precisely what they are: objects. I’d rather be seen as a whole rather than a part.

But hey, that’s just me.

Cheers to the women who know who they are. To the ones who don’t need surgery to feel confident, or sexy. To the women who love themselves enough to realize they have more than enough to offer besides some fat mammary glands. To the ones who will never need a lift, who will never have a stretch mark, to the ones who, again, because this is so important to stress, don’t care about the American male’s obsessions with Jenna Jameson. And cheers to the men who are smart and strong and sexy enough to realize this simple fact. Tonight, my ladies and gents, I drink to you.

Beauty is nothing. The women in Burma wear lip plates, stretched out like platypus beaks, as a standard of beauty. These women are desired for their lip plates. Not to the average Jersey-fist-pumper, but hey, New Jersey ain't the whole world. The women in Cameroon who pad their hips and butt to land a man, unlike us starving westerners (In this case beauty is determined strictly by economics.) All beautiful, simply different cultural standards.

So you are beautiful. No matter what your waist or breast size. You. Are. Beautiful.